Over time, DISRESPECTFUL communication builds up ______________ in a relationship.

CONTEMPT, which is a buildup of disregard and inability/unwillingness to give the other person the benefit of the doubt

Define ANGER.

An EMOTION that lets you know something is going on that you do not like, and it gives you energy to do something about it.

Define RESPECT.

Where you are willing and able to listen to and care about someone's thoughts, opinions and emotions.

Define RESPONSIBILITY.

Taking ownership for things you have done that have hurt others, and/or having a certain assigned duty or task to complete or follow through on

What is CONTROL (two parts)?

1) Making someone do something they do not want to do

AND/OR

2) Keeping someone from doing something they WANT to do

What does it mean to be irritating or alienating?

Irritating is any behavior that creates mild distaste, frustration, confusion, or dislike in another person. The behavior is unintentional, but can create problems in a relationship.

Alienating behavior places distance between you and the other person which is uninetntional. 

When the irritating/alienating behavior becomes INTENTIONAL, it often leads to control instead.

If controlling behavior is a normal part of being human, why can it be a problem in relationships?

Because it can create imbalance, entitlement, or can build negative thoughts and potential contempt for a partner. When controlling behavior repeats over time, it has a chance of turning into abuse or violence.

How/why does hurtful behavior escalate?

HOW: Hurtful behavior escalates because someone continues to choose attempts to control another person.

WHY: It becomes easier to choose to control someone when your personal ego is more important to you than your love for the other person.

Is domestic violence and hurtful behavior caused by alcohol or other drug use/abuse? Explain.

No. Alcohol and other drugs may enhance hurtful behavior, but being hurtful comes from thinking and beliefs that support controlling another person. When being hurtful, often the person rehearses things they would like to do to control, and when presented with the situation they have rehearsed, they are going to be more likely to be hurtful if they are intoxicated.

What is the difference between VIOLENCE and ABUSE?

VIOLENCE is INTENTIONAL causing of pain and/or fear in someone to control them. ABUSE is UNINTENTIONAL causing of pain and/or fear in pursuit of control.

The terms for the ways boys and girls are taught to be adults are:

1) ACT LIKE A __________ (for boys)

and

2) ACT LIKE A __________ (for girls)

1) MAN

2) LADY

1) What are boys called when they step out of the man box?

2) Why does this happen?

1) Names that reference girls, femininity, being #!!##!!##!!#.

2) It keeps boys in the box, controls them, keeps them from being real

Give an example of how a boy could be hurt by the "Man Box"

Examples may be:

1) Not expressing pain or fear could lead to the boy being more hurt or in danger

2) Not asking for help may mean a boy could be harmed because he did not get the assistance he needed

3) He might feel ashamed of things he really enjoys

4) It might set up an attitude about girls and women that ends up being hurtful in relationships

According to the "Act Like a Man" box,

NAME THREE THINGS BOYS SHOULD DO, DON'T DO, OR ARE

MEN SHOULD:

Work, be smart, like sports, drink alcohol, be responsible for, be in control, pay for dates, be right, know about sex, show other men who's boss, provide for the family

MEN DON'T:

Back down, cry, show fear, make mistakes, change their minds, play with "girl toys", take flack from others, care about fashion, show emotions (other than anger), show love to other men, talk about troubles, ask for help

MEN ARE:

Tough, aggressive, angry, sucessful, strong, active, workers, competitive, dependable, crude 

Are there benefits to the "act like a" boxes? If so, how? If not, why not?

YES - the boxes can provide healthy boundaries, and can serve as a guide, but can also be damaging if you take them too far or do not value perspectives outside of the box. Mostly, it is important to work to have a healthy agreement with a partner about roles and responsibilities and work to adjust those when needed.

What is the definition of having good self-care?

To be able to care for your own needs in life

The need "TO LIVE" includes these kinds of needs...

Food, shelter, money, warmth, physical health, etc.

What does it mean to FEEL IMPORTANT as a method of self-care?

It means you are able to feel you are good at something, have value to others, have value in yourself, and are able to contribute to something beyond yourself.

What does it mean to have VARIETY as a form of self-care?

To have fun, to be able to enjoy things and not allow them to get stale and boring, to constantly challenge oneself. Examples might be to study something you enjoy, choosing a career that you like, finding your interests and goals in life.

What does it mean to LOVE AND BE LOVED as a form of self-care?

It is a need to have someone for support and connection - both you supporting and connecting with another person, and that person supporting, caring, and connecting with you. This may be an intimate partner, best friend, family member, classmate, or anyone in your life who values you (or you value them).

What does it mean to SUPPORT OTHERS?

To hold a person to a higher standard, to guide others and provide advice and feedback, to help that person achieve goals, safety, and comfort in their lives.

What are things you could do for someone who is being hurt in a dating relationship (name at least three)?

• Let them know you support them, and care
• Tell them it is not their fault, and describe why
• Listen to their story and their ideas about what to do
• Connect them to other helpful sources, if they are interested
• Provide them with information that may help them learn more about healthy/respectful relationships
• Be accepting, do not judge them or their decisions about the relationship (even if they decide to stay)
• Encourage them to consider their value

What are ways to support someone who you think is being hurtful in a dating relationship to stop being hurtful (name three)?

• Do not accept their attempts to blame their dating partner, others, or the situation
• Talk to them about ways their behavior causes harm, pain, fear and may damage their dating partner and themselves
• Ask them questions about their behavior in ways that reflect and make them think more about why they might be hurtful
• Support them in getting help, talking to someone who can help (such as a counselor, a teacher, a parent)
• Talk with them about their responsibilities, their choices, regardless of others behavior toward them
• Point out strengths of respect and talk about healthy behavior and how much more beneficial that is to others and themselves
• Ask others for feedback and support on how to address the person who you think is being hurtful

At lunch, a friend of yours starts to talk to you about a date last night where the person they went out with slapped their butt when they got into the car, and made some sexually explicit comments during dinner.

Name two ways you could be supportive of your friend

• Listen without judgement
• Ask questions to see how your friend feels about this situation
• Discuss healthy and respectful boundaries, if your friend is interested in that
• Talk to someone you trust about the situation and get feedback on how to respond
• Tell the friend that behavior is not okay (if the friend is not okay with this behavior)
• If the friend is okay with this behavior, but you are concerned, state your concerns directly and check in with the friend to see if they share any of those concerns

When should you tell someone else that you are afraid for your friend who may either be hurtful in a relationship, or may be hurt by their dating partner in a relationship?

Depending on your level of safety, you may want to talk to your friend first.

HOWEVER, you should seek out support and feedback from others whenever you feel uncomfortable about someone's health in a relationship, and think about telling someone whenever you think the situation is beyond your ability to support and help.

What happens when you DO NOT meet your SELF-CARE needs? Give an example for each. 

1) TO LIVE

2) TO FEEL IMPORTANT

3) VARIETY

4) TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

1) You may get physically sick, suffer stress and anxiety, have difficulties in other areas of your life, try to make others responsible for your needs

2) You may become depressed, feel lonely, feel worthless and hopeless, may neglect other needs, may become needy or over-focus on something that makes you feel better, but does not solve the loneliness (such as developing unhealthy hobbies)

3) You may be bored and restless, find things to do that hurt yourself or others, may become overwhelmed, may begin to overfocus on some things in exclusion of others (overworking, neglecting family), may get sick

4) You may form unhealthy attachments, develop poor self-regard and poor self-respect, may lower your boundaries and become vulnerable, may become more controlling of others you want to like you, may disengage from others